Pre-Birthday Confessions

THE cruelest person anybody can be to a person is the person itself.

Especially when one denies oneself of any happiness.

Putting that aside, that’s not really what I intended to say anyway. I have a confession and it goes like this:

            I keep waiting for a surprise.

But I guess in a way, that defeats the effects of a surprise, considering I keep anticipating it. But that also means it takes a really well-planned and unexpected surprise to actually surprise me. So it’s not impossible. Just very, very hard. Because you see, I’m not an easily-surprised person.

I’m a person who thinks a lot, with a highly active and imaginative mind. Every chance I get, I drift into Imagination Land, even in the most inconvenient times: in class, when I’m revising for class tests, when I’m revising for school exams, when I’m revising for my A’ Levels, during the exam itself – the list goes on. Sometimes I wonder if I have ADHD, but I’d think that’s just an excuse for two other dire sicknesses of mine, namely Laziness and Procrastination. But seriously, I wonder if it’s common for person to be SO DAMN EASILY DISTRACTED all the time. You cannot completely get it, but sometimes it gets very critical.

I’m straying again. Anyways.

My birthday is looming.

(Note connotation of above word choice.)

I’ve had some unexpected, undesirable and unpleasant events unfolding in my last few birthdays, to which I shall not disclose here in fear of it becoming a rant, but if it shall interest anybody, you need only to ask. Thus, I have grown to dislike birthdays. Well, not really birthdays, just my birthdays. I love my friends’ birthdays actually.

It is therefore why I have expressed my disinterest in celebrating my birthdays in the last few years, and often I have to be really stern on them. On occasion, I think I come across as bratty. On some others, I just sound emo. But I hurt myself even more every time I deny a celebration or hangout.

Truth is, I’m a goddamn hypocrite - which connotes that I WANT to celebrate my birthdays.

Due to my past experiences pre/on my birthdays and on many other normal days, I’ve always felt like I do not matter. Humans are social creatures. Being the social creatures we are, it is a common norm for us to desire to be showered with love and care and attention. And it’s the same case for me.

Like I said (though with no further elaboration) due to my past experiences, I’ve never felt that I was that important. Even among my close group of friends, I never felt like the top pick. Sometimes, I feel like a spare tyre. Often, I don’t feel like I’m significant enough to deserve more attention and love. Let me give you an example, though here’s a fair warning for you: I’m horrid at giving examples as I ramble on. (You’ve been warned)

You know how there are some people who have friends that go through great lengths to throw them a surprise party? Well, I’m never that lucky friend. I’m more of the person on the sidelines of the celebrations who has been invited along to make that fortunate person happy. A recent example is earlier this year when me and my beloved Alibabanana tried to surprise another dear friend of mine called Rubbish Bag on her birthday. We and our other friends did a lot to surprise her, (even though it sorta failed but I’d say we were 75% successful nonetheless). Me and Alibaba invited her out to a movie hangout to celebrate her sweet 19^th, not telling her that we have a huge bunch of friends waiting to jump out at her at the toilets HAHAHAHA. Sadly, she somewhat suspected it (she’s a goddamn genius this girl) but nevertheless she was ecstatic because her friends had made such a big effort to surprise her. But what she didn’t expect was that I made a pageant-like sash for her, with which we surprised her with it out of the blue during our post-movie meal, together with a tiara and a scepter, oh and a cake. We made her princess of the day.

I was so so happy that we made her happy. And I was happier for her, that she is so so blessed to have friends who would go through great lengths to make her day a truly memorable one, to make her FEEL like a princess, so loved, showered with attention.

However, I cannot deny that my genuine happiness is tinged with a sad envy.

(To any reader who finds my writing style redundantly more poetic than prosaic due to my high usage of oxymorons and juxtapositions and tautology etc. and you don’t like it I’m really sorry I cannot help it I’m actually very agitated right now)

Ending my example here, I’m trying to illustrate this point: I’m never THAT friend. That blessed little goose that people will go all out to make her big day a special and unforgettable one. And because I’m jealous, so jealous, and I crave love, I crave attention, and I have expectations, expectations often high and improbable.  I guess I just hit the nail on the head.

I ALWAYS have expectations.

And when one always has expectations, one will always have a difficult time being satisfied.

Well this year it’s not like my friends did nothing. They did give some effort though. They just straightforwardly asked me to a hangout on my birthday. They could always surprise me with something unexpected at the hangout then, just like how I did with my Rubbish Bag’s “princess coronation”, right?

But I denied showing up.

I don’t know why I did it I REALLY DON’T. I have some many different reasons going around in my head but I just couldn’t decide which IS “IT”. Is it to prove my point and insistence at never celebrating it? Is it because the memories of my past birthdays still sting? Or is it because I believe that THEY COULD SO MUCH MORE AND SO MUCH BETTER? OR IS IT BECAUSE I WANT TO BE COMPLETELY SURPRISED, I WANT THEM TO JUST SHOW UP AT MY HOUSE AND SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME, LEAVING ME IN TEARS AT THE MOST UNFORGETTABLE BIRTHDAY EVER?

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I DON’T KNOW IT COULD EVEN BE EVERYTHING. And I just cant help but feel that if they can plan such big surprises for other people, why can’t they do the same FOR ME? Am I any less special. Oh, so that’s it isn’t it? I’m just not THAT SPECIAL.

I want to be showered in love and attention. I want to feel and be treated like a princess. I don’t want to be just that friend whom you feel obliged to celebrate her bornday with all for the sake of camaraderie.

And I’m just so so sad. I’m so sad that I’m doing this TO MYSELF. There is only so much I can blame my friends for. Worst is, I blame them, for not fulfilling MY expectations. So really, it’s MY fault. My friends aren’t torturing me, I’m torturing myself.

Everybody has a choice to some extent.

I chose all this. I chose my sadness. I chose it out of stubbornness. I chose it because I hurt. I chose it because I have expectations.  And most of all, another truth deep deep down in my chest buried deep is, I chose it because I feel I am undeserving.

Because the cruelest person to me is myself.

Because I deny myself of any happiness.

And if you count, that makes two confessions in this post. Sorry I lied.

How about you? Do you love yourself more than I do me? What is the cruelest thing you’ve ever done to yourself?  

THROWBACK! - Masquerade 2016

I just feel like throwing back that's all. Just some pics. I did my makeup but it didn't show up very nicely like I hope. Oh well ^^

Quality of pics may be low but quality of company is high af.

Have you ever attended a masquerade event? Where did you get your mask or did you make them like me?

TGIF :D

TGIF and I'm forking useless.

Why?

My last update was exactly one month ago from now.

Oh Munn ohhhhhh Munnnnnnn what happened to disciplining yourself and posting once every week?

BUT

I HAVE AN EXCUSE THIS TIME. A LEGIT ONE! HAHA!

I'm having my AS exams now and I need to study hard ^^

Yeah but anws I still thought I better update something still however brief. It makes me feel less forking useless.

So my AS exams are still ongoing. And I've been so tired and stressed out these days from school. So me and my sis and mom took a little trip up to the capital to chill a little.

Actually my sis wanted to get her visa done and I just followed. But it was a good morning. Nothing overly special, but it was great. However,  I was really pissed when snapchat screwed up with me AGAIN and I lost all 30 of my offline-queued snaps.

I really hate sc now.

But it's a good thing I saved SOME pics. So here you go!

I BOUGHT SOCKS
AND A NEW BOOK
...BY MAGGIE STIEFVATER OMG I LOVE HER
WE ATE PEPPERLUNCH (hella expensive)
AND BOUGHT KOREAN SNACKS

Okay that's all from me. Which pair of socks you like best? I like batman huehue.

KBAII CUTIES.

Prelims Ended!

OMG I'm so happy.

It's funny how I get sooo happy from the mere end of an exam season.

And my AS is in two weeks! Hahahahahaha ha ha ha ha *sobs*

However I'm proud to say at least that this term was the hardest I've worked for a school exam throughout my PreU life so far.

Before, I would fail all my exams (except for Lit and GP, bc language is my strength compared to Physics and Chem and Maths) every term, and I wouldn't feel too devasted. Because I know I didn't earn it.

But if I fail THIS TIME, I WILL be devastated.

I can't say I gave my 100%though, as I'm a lazyass to the core and I have a pHD in procrastination. But I've worked like thrice as hard compared to all my previous semesters, so gimme some credit.

I even worked harder than I did for my AS last year. And I got Cs and Es.

I've been immensely sleep deprived these days. And I have pimples on my normally pimpleless face. That's the toll of my poor lifestyle on my body these two weeks.

And now I'm free! And these are the some of the things that I'm dyingggg to do!

1. Sleep sleep sleep
2. Eat healthy
3. Get back on cardio
4. I ain't gonna do no homework for the next four days idc kbai
5. MAKEUP! #rindu
6. Learn to wear contacts
7. Be a couch potato and watch TV
8. Queue my tumblr
9. Clean my wardrobe
10. Reread my Grisha books

Yeapp so that's about it! I can't wait to start living the lazy bum life! (despite my next exams looming in two weeks HAHAHAHAHAHAHA *sobs*

So is anybody stressing out bc of school recently as well?  Whats your top 3 MUST DO (or must NOT do) after your exams?

That Photographer Friend

Do you have one?

If you do, dang you’re blessed.

Do you have that one friend, or that one sister: She is your photographer whenever there’s a white wall or tumblr-worthy backdrop. She captures candid moments of you, and then sends them to you. She is up and ready whenever you say your model vibes are on. She would order you to pose for a picture, even if you didn’t really ask her too.

Either because she’s got that keen eye of a photographer, or she understands that precious moments should be preserved, or that your Instagram feed needs an update.

Or maybe like me, because I want all of that above, and I love my friends, that I want to give them something that maybe they can reciprocate in the future. I like having my picture taken (when I’m not on fugly mode). I like looking at my candids, when I’m most myself. I’d like to have some tumblr-inspired posts on my IG. I want a bomb display pic.

                
But I rarely, almost, ALMOST never, get those cool photos. Because I am THAT photographer friend.

And it’s sad for me. When the moment is right or the atmosphere is perfect, I’m always freezing my friends or sis, whipping out our phones, and then start snapping away, for them. Ugly or beautiful or funny or whatever, there’s always something different to be kept for remembrance. I know that it’s JUST ME that should be blamed for having high hopes of them reciprocating the same thing for me, so that I’ll have pictures of me too that isn’t a selfie. Guess you can’t always trust that life will be fair.

                
Recently it was my sister’s birthday. I told her I’ve seen people do those birthday photoshoots with some kinda plain wall and some birthday balloons or birthday OOTDs, so I was inspired and I told her we should do the same, which she most happily obliged. We took some great ones. There were derp faces and awkward stances and sweet smiles and many more. She was happy. I was partially happy.

                
I was remembering how when I wanted her to take photos for me (I have to ask. See the diff?) She’d do it – reluctantly. And she’ll do it fast and hasty with the little enthusiasm, like I’m embarrassing her. Sorry not sorry sis, that I’m not the perfect one like you.

                
Then there’s the other time when I went up to the capital with my school for a marching procession in conjunction with our 32^nd National Day. Pokok went to, but not with our school entourage. And I was happy and excited because my best friend would be there and we’d hang out afterwards too with other friends as well, and I was happy too because finally I’d have that photographer friend who I can most comfortably ask to capture moments of me and the marching gang on that festive occasion.

                
Boy was I wrong.

                
I thought we’re super close and comfortable with each other that Pokok wouldn’t mind. But Pokok did. I was so so sad. Not because I couldn’t have photos taken (ok maybe I was a little bit, maybe like idk 40%?) but I was sad when Pokok confided that it felt like I was using him. Like his sole purpose there was to be my photographer. IT WASN’T.

               
And that wasn’t it. Pokok also asked me why I can’t take selfies with my friends instead – “like I always do.”  Exactly. Like I always do.

                
That’s because I don’t have that one photographer friend.

One of the very very very few photos that are not selfies 

Thank you Ivan for taking this during 2014 Graduation Night when I was emceeing. This is super rare, as the other photos are all of the popular kids. Thank you nevertheless :)

This is was taken in front of Sultan Omar Ali Saifuddien Mosque before we departed for a trek to Pulau Selirong. TSK managed to get this shot of me and Ben all bc we fussed the life out of her too hehe. 

When I was leading the Zumba session during the leadership course of SMSA's new MPP/PRR intake. Idk who but one of the student photographers took it during the perfect moment when my mouth looks like that of an awkwad fish during the my intro. I would post the others if they were clearer... but anyways thank you!

I can't really post or brag any more pics, because I don't have much, others are too fugly for the public eye hehe sorry. 

But since I don't have much, I treasure every single one I have. 

So despite everything I've said... to all the random and unacquaintanted photographers who ever took my photos, and those very few friends who I forced (haha.) them to... "Thank you. "

So how about you guys - do you have no that one photographer friend? If not, do you yearn one? 

Demotion

To SMSA MPP 2015-2016 - SALUTE!

2015/2016 SMSA MPP Ohana. Thankd Uzma(front) for the photo! 

It has been a memorable one year working together with some of the loveliest and most inspirational people ever as members of my sixth form's student rep council. Thank you so much everyone!

On the 5th of April 2016, which was just yesterday, we stepped down.

I may not have been any big key player in the publicity and media unit, but nevertheless, I have learned, despite several mistakes. We have worked together in running some of the school's major events, from Raya to PreU1 Orientation, and smaller ones such as charity food bazaars, and it has been quite an experience! I may have been utilised relatively less and provided less physical help, but I've been watching the process, observing people's work ethics, and you'd be surprised by how much I've learned by mere staring hahaha!

One of my favourite MPP would have to be our Head Girl, hands down. She is actually just an "assistant head MPP", but I always see her as a MPP Head Girl. Idc. She's too cool. She doesn't know it, but in SMSA, she's my girl role model.

Diy is like this really cool girl (to me, at least). She's smart, hardworking, responsible, funny, and beautiful of course. She wears braces, and she looks soooo cuuuuteeee when she smiles with them and her dimples pop out. But above all, SHE IS A LEADER. To me, she is the leader among leaders. She dares to step up to lead our first few tasks when we're all newbies sitting around waiting for instructions. She delegates tasks and asks our opinions and makes lists and timetables. She is not afraid to offend and tell you staright front if it mean getting the job done. While outside of MPP affairs, she withdraws her "air of boss", and is back to a normal diligent student. I like her so much.

I could ramble on, but I'm not getting to my point. Because this is not some sappy thank you post or touching life lessons entry or fan mail.

This is a Reflection Post.

Over the course of the SMSA MPP one year life, I've observed a lot, but said little, regarding the different kinds of MPPs we have. Being a MPP is no cheesecake responsibility. There were times when we needed to skip a few classes to handle certain things, skip break or lunch for meetings, stay back after school, or deal with the disapproving or even dissing looks and comments from tutors who do not really like the fact we're missing out on their subjects.

Being a MPP, we should've understand that we're student leaders - leaders work things out, find solutions, and if not, just suck it up.

Leaders don't whine.

And it is sad that I see a lot of us complaining. I literally FEEL sad witnessing their whining and exasperation. And worse is when some would not turn up for meetings. Some don't even show up for ANYTHING and wants NO INVOLVENT.

Which is ironic! Who was the one who was so enthusiastic to join in the first place?

I admit, there were a couple of times when I would complain too. But I assure you, they're petty things. Overall, I really really treasure and cherish the privilege of being a MPP. And I, for one, understands that these few meetings or preparations or whatever is just a short term thing. Once it's gotten over with, it's no more. And they don't even drag on long. And people are whining like pussies. Some might have valid reasons for so hence I cannot totally hold it against them. But the rest have the worst reasons. Laziness. Pointless. Boring. School work overload (right. u mean online drama is it?)

THE THING IS, I guess that maybe the reason I treasure being a MPP so much that I always try do my best in whatever my trivial task is and not complain is that... I was initially NOT supposed to be a MPP.

I think you'd understand me. A lot of us had similar experiences before, where we cherish the things earned the hard way, or things that were never yours.

Just so you know, MPPs are selected. They are selected by tutors based on the potential or positive qualities they see in you.

Becoming a MPP is a privilege. We all understand that when we signed up. Most of us forgotten that towards the end of the road.

I wasn't selected. And it crushed me. It crushed me so bad. It crushed me so so bad, that I shed some tears at my PS table. My friends couldn't understand. Some might even think I was being a drama queen. (BTW they were silent tears thank you very much)

It wasn't so much the activities and trips that I'll be missing out on (tho I must say I was looking forward to those very very much), but that tutors do not recognise that I have potential. Like I'm a lesser nobody student. Which I know I'm not. Like they doubted me. I'm a debater. I'm an environmental awareness advocate. I can be a MPP too. I just needed the chance to experience and learn.

And it crushed me.

Some of my friends theorized that it was because I'm taking an additional subject that the school didn't wanna further pressure me. Idk.

So I volunteered.

We can volunteer actually. But the feeling just isn't the same as being SELECTED and ASKED to go for the interview.

So I went to the interview. And there were a few other volunteers as well.

It was hella nerve wrecking. Really. My neck was twitching. I was SO SCARED of screwing it up.

And I made it in. Me and another friend. Just two volunteers.

I was ecstatic.

And I'm guessing that's why some (not all,  there are still a lot of dedicated and amazing ones and I love them they might not know it but I love them) of the MPPs just don't take their responsibilities seriously and is always dissing their jobs.
Because they got it easy. They were already on the wanted list. I earned what was never mine.

But it was also kinda ironic about that other volunteer friend of mine who got in. He wanted it bad too. He got it. Unfortunately, he was also a complainer. Some common complains are laziness, weather too hot, boring, waste of time, insufficient time to study yada yada yada. And the the most ironic thing is at the end of the events he'll be like omg i miss it so much, it was such a memory!, I can't believe it ended so fast, I wish we could do it again!

Seriously? Omgughhhh.

I never felt like I was doing enough. Due to my initial my shyness perhaps, people don't really assign me the bigger jobs, or the better jobs, or into better teams. It's ok. I don't mind. I'm a member of the MPPs. I just need to accomplish whatever my job. That enough.

Oh my I'm not getting to my point... okay let's speed things up! (hopefully... )

Some of my biggest regrets, which till today never fail to tug at my chest, is my not voicing out. I could've volunteered for certain tasks. I could've asked to bring assigned other things. I could've spoken up in certain meetings. But either it was the intimidation I felt in a room of leaders, or that I wanna "do whatever my friends do", I never did.

Regrets.

Oh how funny it was when I couldn't even have faith in my friends to save me a seat when I came late for a meeting. Or trust that they would've noticed me and find some way to welcome me into their circle in meetings. They were my supposedly good friends.

And I learned that, very late towards our demotion, that it's a selfish world. And that people do not have to feel compelled to bring you in. Like what my physics tutor always said:

Who promised you a fair life?

I started very late, but at some point towards the end, I started going to meetings alone. And early. No more waiting for friends to take their sweet time. If they're not serious or dedicated as I am that's their problem.

I would go and choose good seats at the front or center. I would ask questions directly instead through friends. I would communicate with any MPPs sitting beside me. I would take up jobs (if I had the choice) that I want, not what my friends want. I joined the "Shakespeare" team for orientation not because any friends were there, but because I'm a literature student, and I love Shakespeare.
I joined the new MPP intake leadership course slated in our precious holidays. As I said, I never felt that I did enough. I never felt important. I never felt brave enough when I KNOW I could. So I was trying to make it all up to myself in my last duties as a MPP. The course didn't see a lot of enthusiastic facilitators. None of my Chinese friends joined. I don't care.

I can be independent.

Being a MPP is a privilege.

People don't understand that anymore. But I do. 

WHAT'S STOPPING YOU?

No discipline.

THAT'S what's stopping ME.

Remember how I said I'll post a hair post like two months ago? No? Oh good. I never said that. ANYWAYSSSS who am I kidding heck yeah I did.

I started this blog to find my moons. I don't think I need moons anymore for the moment. What I'm trying to reclaim back is MY DISCIPLINE.

Look at me. I didn't fulfill such a small task assigned myself in my last blog entry.

I only had to post A PHOTO - not of a unicorn, or Hogwarts, or President Obama, or a falafel - but MY HAIR. Which is on MY HEAD.

Omg I'm such a loser.

Hashtag HASHTAG #HASHTAGLOSER

So Talking To The Moon is no longer my quest and platform for moon hunting. It's going to be for cultivating discipline.

Because my lack of discipline has started taking a huge toll on my academics.

My prelims are in one week. And my AS Exams in two months. And I'm taking 4 A Level subjects ft. GP. Duh I'm hella scared.

So let's start small. Because I'm not the type of person who can suddenly commit to huge changes.

For starters, I'm obligating myself to post anything SOMETHING - be it picture, a quote, or even just a word - at least ONCE a week. Or every end Sunday. Either one.

I'm staring to feel really optimistic here guys wish me luck!

Because if I can't do even THAT then I'm like the biggest loser like ever to the extent of no return.

How To Know If Your Blogging Life Is Gonna Suck

You know you've lost the hype when you rush your very first post on New Year's Day and then abandon it for a month.

Good job Munn. You're blog is gonna suck.

So what should I do?

1) lie down and do nothing
2) sit down and do nothing
3) watch tv and do nothing
4) do something about for saint's sake

Number 1 sounds pretty sweet, but I've chosen number 4 obviously (or why else would I be here?)

OMOGODDDDDDD IM SOOOO LAZYY UGH

Oooh so I'm cutting my hair tomorrow.

You know what? Im gonna obligate myself to post something tomorrow, like my hair for instance. If I fail EVEN THAT, then wow I'm such a loser.

So yeah hair post tomorrow it is!

In the meantime, please enjoy (ew) some shots of my current messy hair (ew) that would never obey me (ugh) feat. my awesome amateur makeup skills (ew).

Here's a tip peeps: when you gonna post a selfie and you hella insecure, filter it B&W. if it's still ugly or you still hella insecure, don't post it. #sageadvice

So here you go!

So what do you guys think? This is my VERY FIRST semi-successful brownies filling - yay or nay? Filter too much perhaps?

“At night when the stars light up my room, I sit by myself talking to the moon…” ~ Bruno Mars

Happy New Year! 

First post woots woots!

           

      And what better way than to commemorate a brand new 2016 with *insert drum rolls*… the launching my new blog! Woots WOOTS *insert cheers* *pops champagne*

        

      Here’s me wishing you all a blessed year ahead. May you all be in good health and your days filled with joy and love and success. Have courage, embrace 2016!

         

      Ah, I remember 2015 like it was just two days ago...... I had many firsts, whether it’s a new eyeliner or cc cream or jet skiing or hurtful friendships, I don’t regret them. You can like or hate it, but hey, at least you know about it now. And I have very little confidants to share these with. So far I have Gogi my plushie horse and my “pokok” who is the bestest friend everrrrrrrr after we got acquainted just last year in sixth form.

         

      But way waaay waaaaaay before that, I have only the moon.

         

      By Moon, I mean me. Hihi, my name is Munn (but I like passing myself off as Moon), I just turned 18 last year and I’m Chinese.

         

       Quite tragic, isn’t it? I would gush about how smooth and sharp my new eyeliner is – to myself. I would lament about how depressing and abrupt Finnick Odair’s death was in the book – to myself. I would cry about friends who left – to myself.

“At night when the stars light up my room, I sit by myself talking to the moon…”

         

       At least he had the moon. I can’t see it out my window.

        

       It’s not that I can’t COMPLETELY talk to my friends about any of the examples above. Rather it’s hard for me to find a listening ear who can share the passion and energy of my discussion topics. I don’t just settle for anybody. I have standards.

         

       And this is why I started Talking To The Munn.

       I want YOU, my reader(s) – let’s hope I DO have some eventually – to be my “moons”. My confidants. My listening ears. The Jack and Gus to my Cinderella. Something like that.

         

       Everyone out there is different. Maybe one person can share my fangirling over the Grisha world and Kaz Breaker. Maybe another can share my amateur passion of makeup. Maybe another can share my sentiments over why it’s better to give up a toxic friendship and risk possible mass clique hate for more peace. You can give me insight which never occurred to me.

        

       Oh, and to my dearest most beloved and cute and supportive “pokok” who might be reading this, it’s not that you’re not enough. You’re the perfect listener. Alas, you don’t do makeup nor Russian folklore and etc, so yeah. But I do love you so much!

         

      Okay I better start wrapping things up now!

       

      Come, let’s talk to the Munn :)

Keep your heads up, have courage, and smile! Enjoy the ride of 2016!