A Year Later

Well, ALMOST a year later.

Almost a year since my last blog post.

I didn't intend to keep this blog any longer actually, because it has been found out. And i didn't intend for it to be found out. Yet. So i decided to close it down. But haven't got around to it. Yet.

Maybe this will be my last post. Maybe.

My exams for my first semester in university commence tomorrow. I'm supposed to be studying now, but I'm taking a break from it to chill and procrastinate. And I suddenly remember this platform.

And I remember it because it's almost a year.

A year since my last blog post.

A year since my last birthday.

And the burning question in my mind still is

Do I want to celebrate this day?

Yes and no.

I don't want to celebrate it.

Because I don't want people to feel oblige to celebrate it. Because I'm their daughter. Because I''m their friend. Because I celebrated their birthdays,

No. I don't want that.

I want people to celebrate it because they WANT to celebrate it. Because they love me. Because I matter. Because I'm special.

Not because I'm just another daughter. Not because I'm just another friend.

But that I really DO matter. That I am truly cherished.

I don't want them to celebrate the anniversary of my birth. There's nothing special about that.

I want them to celebrate that I entered their lives, that in one way or another, I made their lives a little brighter, a little happier.

Here's the selfish part.

I want to feel loved, not just by one person, or seven persons. I want to feel loved by many people. I want to feel loved by the people who truly truly love me, or at least people that I truly truly love back.

As the saying goes, more is more.

I want more.

More people.

More love.

More happiness.

I want

i want

i want
i want
iwant
iwant iwant
iwantiwantiwant

To be surprised.

I'm not easily surprised, thus I love to be surprised.

Sometimes, I even fake surprise.

That's it then. Those are the birthday gifts I want this year.

Love. And surprise. Maybe even surpriseS.

I wonder what will happen this year.

I wonder what will they do.

I wonder what will I do.

Will I ask for happiness, and actually allow that happiness into my life?

Or will I shut myself up again?

My heart thrums with anticipation. And anxiety.

I might get disappointed again.

No no no. Not by people.

But by my own expectations.

It has been a year.

Well, almost.